I spent a life time being labeled difficult, lazy, strange, weird. Feeling less than, like a defective product. I never understood why it seemed like things were so easy for others but so hard for me. And then I found out I had ADHD.

I had a mental fucking break down. I was struggling to find a therapist, I knew I needed help and I finally found someone with an immediate opening. Little did I know I would be meeting with the best therapist I had encountered in my life.

She had me take a bunch of tests, I’d never had a therapist ask me to do this, and by the third session she said “Has anyone ever told you, you have ADHD”. Until I started seeing her I had never once thought that I had ADHD, never even considered it. I shared the stereotypical assumption that little boys who were unruly and disruptive have ADHD. Surely I, a 30 year old woman couldn’t have that.

As I began to learn more about ADHD there was no longer a doubt in my mind, this is the reason I’ve struggled. I started meds alongside therapy. I began to make changes. I learned my drinking was self medicating, and I quit. My childhood agoraphobia came back with a vengeance but as long as I remembered to take my ADHD meds and use my new found tools it was manageable. I was still smoking cigarettes though.

I quit smoking which was huge, I had been drinking and smoking since I was 14 to cope with having untreated ADHD, so I was incredibly addicted to the nicotine. It was a big deal to quit cold Turkey. It was hard but I was better at remembering my meds now and I was learning to be kinder to myself.

Then the first shortage of ADHD medication hit. I couldn’t cope, I couldn’t pull myself together, I was falling apart. So I started smoking again. It helped. When the shortage was over and I was able to get my meds back I continued to smoke.

I can totally understand how they are working on a drug for ADHD based of nicotine. I truly feel more functional when I’m smoking. Although, with how addictive nicotine is that also seems truly frightening. I rely on my ADHD medication to function but I am not dependent on it. Thank god because I don’t know how I’d deal with the medication shortages.

I am experiencing my second ADHD medication shortage. My agoraphobia has gotten really bad. It was bad even before now, but I quit smoking. Not because I want to be healthier, which quite frankly I’d argue that since smoking has a positive impact on my mental health that it’s definitely a form of self care. I’m quitting because I can no longer afford to smoke. In my state the big plan to stop the youths from smoking is making cigarettes incredibly expensive. Fuck me I guess.

But yeah, I’ve become frustratingly scatter brained. My partner affectionately describes me as a “chaotic mess”, so cutesy. Add in the agoraphobia and he has kindly asked me to no longer accompany him to the store. My grocery store breakdowns are starting to have a negative impact on him and he is more than happy to run the errands for me. Honestly, he’s a saint for that. Sometimes just the thought of leaving the house brings me to tears, everything is scary and overwhelming.

I know sometimes ADHD can be portrayed as this cute, quirky, silly, fun little inconvenience. And if I was living a life on my terms I wouldn’t mind that I have ADHD but that’s not the reality. When I go camping, which I like to do for a week or two weeks at a time. I absolutely don’t need to be medicated, I don’t experience the anxiety and depression I would if I was unmedicated in any other situation. I also feel much more creative and inspired. But life is not a camping trip, this society we live in doesn’t care about my needs or my schedule. So no this isn’t cute it, sucks ass.

The shortages are bullshit. It is absolutely no surprise to me that adults with unmedicated ADHD have shorter life expectancies. I have meltdowns when faced with changing plans or needing to do to many things in one day. I start to feel bad when I’m having issues with beginning tasks, and this leads to feelings of sadness, sometimes hopelessness. All of this was continually misdiagnosed as anxiety and depression before my ADHD diagnosis. The cherry on top of all this bullshit, I can’t fucking keep track of shit. Things just literally seem to disappear out of my hand.

I just want to chain smoke my way to sanity.